It’s driving me nuts, I’m feeling thrown away, used and discarded. I hate myself for putting up with his shit and feeling like I must stay. I hate that I’m still living this lie, that you’ve boxed yourself in because of your ego. Feeling that I must hang on because I’m too old, fat and fucked up in the head to find a better relationship. Well he’s better than that last guy. I’m sick and tired of playing games with him. But I’m too scared to start dating again. What if I might attract a worse guy. I’m feeling unworthy of anything better. Daddy I want to blame you for not being there you’re the reason why I have such fucked up relationships. Mama its your fault you put up with Daddy’s bullshit. That guy I used to be with that broke my heart made me like this. I’m so dumb for buying my man all this shit, trying secretly to keep him around. Ashamed because of my terrible relationship history. Feeling silly for I just can’t seem to get this relationship stuff right. At least I got a man a lot of girls can’t say that. I know he cheated but he’s changed, yeah right. Who am I lying to? Why am I trying to convince myself that this shit is different?
Do any of these ideas ring true for you. We all have our version of the same story. Learning to acknowledge your thoughts that reoccur in your head is the first step to letting go of them. Through my experiences after I noticed my insecurities I stopped letting them control me. I realized after I stopped blaming and feeling guilty for my past that I had to go through these things to become the woman I am. Now I appreciate myself and know that if my relationship doesn’t work out I’ll notice my lessons. As they say nothing happens to you it happens for you. I took responsibility of creating these disempowering relationships with guys who would never satisfy me unless they got brain transplants. I realized that me having all these negative beliefs about myself drove any man crazy. When a man is sure that you won’t go anywhere then he’ll start to disrespect you and not value the relationship as something he has to work to make better. Its my responsibility to take control of my life and what kind of relationship I’m in. I began to look in the mirror realizing that my man is a reflection of what I think about myself. So I decided to leave never look back focus on working on me. I found a man who sees my beauty through my remaining insecurities and I’ll leave if he’s stops seeing this in me.
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